Journal Entry: Day of Diagnosis

 

Today, I’ve had diabetes 16 years.  Below is my journal entry from November 4th, 1994 when I was 11 and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes:

 You might understand more if you read the previous journal entry one month before.

Well God, I’m mad at you.  I just saw Ana check her blood sugar and it’s 168.  I’m in the hospital right now because I’m diabetic now, too.  That’s right, Diary.  I have diabetes.  I hate it already because it hurts to prick my finger and get shots.  I hate it because today Hale was coming over to ask me out and instead he had to call the hospital room to ask me over the phone.  So I guess today wasn’t too awful.  But, I feel really depressed because now Ana and I have this disease and I don’t see how they will cure it so fast like they say, in 10 years.  It just seems too hard to fix.  The doctor said I can’t eat any more sugar.  I have left my favorite Halloween candy for last! 

Whatever, the shots are the worst part.  And the complications.  The doctor says I will have to take care of my blood sugars or bad things could happen.  I know about those things, I read about them in a book when Ana was diagnosed.  I have to be here for days.  I just want to go to school and pretend this isn’t happening.

<words smeared by tears>

Anyway, other than this I’m fine.  I think I’m fine.  I’m going to be fine so Ana doesn’t see me upset and feel bad, too.  I don’t want mom and dad to worry so I’ll just act fine.  Stupid diabetes…

<blood smeared on the page>

 

This entry makes me think all sorts of different things.  It shows me how doctor’s recommendations keep changing for type 1 diabetics.  It shows me how much emotion I kept inside as an 11 year old.  I remember going to school the week after diagnosis and telling everyone I was fine and that diabetes wasn’t a big deal.  I was trying to tell myself that, mostly. 

This entry also reminds me that this November isn’t just my diabetes anniversary, it is the anniversary of my friend Hale’s death in a tragic car accident when he was only 17.  Back then, if you had told me that I would live longer than Hale I would have not believed you.  He was perfectly healthy and didn’t have diabetes like me.  

I’ve always hesitated celebrating another year with diabetes for fear it will lash out a complication on me as a sort of “oh no you don’t” warning.  But, in honor of Hale and all of those who leave us so soon I think I WILL celebrate this day because it signifies another year I’ve been privileged enough to see. 

Diabetes can kill so easily… making it another year should be considered a big deal.

 So toast with me to that!    <cling!>

11 Comments

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WOW…this is a powerful post Sysy.

It is amazing how much medicine has changed over the years AND the management of diabetes. My heart hurts for the loss of Hale. How tragic and unexpected.

Thank you for sharing and for being such a great support to others in the D-OC…as a mom and a PWD “YOU GET ME” and I thank you for that.

Thanks so much for your comment, Reyna :)

You definitely deserve to celebrate, Sysy. Cheers! :]

My dad used to celebrate my mom’s life on everyone of us’s birthdays (kids), saying that she had lived again everytime one was born. Two days ago we commemorated all the faithful departed, we remember them, pray for them, and hope that as they are in a better place in heaven, one day we will meet again. As you know, we never read your diary and these last to posts on those journal entries have brought tears to my eyes. I remember Hale and Cory, and pray for their families. I pray for each one of you and hope that we will be in this world for a long, long time; enjoying life with all its ups and down :)

I liked that very much, thanks Mom :)

Here’s to you and your wonderful blog, Sysy!!! I could closely identify with the substance of this blog. I had many of the same feelings in the early years, after my diagnosis in 1945. Thanks!

I’m so touched by what you wrote. I know how hard it is to have diabetes because bot of my grandparents had it. My grandpa was always in and out of the hospital, while my granny had to be careful of what she eats. My grandpa died because of this disease and due to his age as well, but you, you are still young and I hope that you and your friend Ana fight this disease. Keep strong and happy.

When I was little I only ever saw the inside of a hospital once – when I had my tonsils out – and I still remember how horrible the whole experience was. This is not a patch on what children like Sysy go through at a young age.

It’s incredible that kids like this are able come to terms with being afflicted with a life-threatening and life-long illness like diabetes and still grow up to be well-adjusted adults. Although a colleague of mine died as a result of diabetes a couple of years ago, I can only imagine the inner strength it must take to keep a disease like this under control.

“Making it another year” IS a big deal, a very big deal. and most definitely should be celebrated!

So nice of you to say, thank you for your comment :)

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