Confronting My Anxiety

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So we’re continuing the “Sysy Freak Show”!  (I’m trying to laugh as much as I can, forgive me)

My doctor prescribed me something for my anxiety, just to get me back on my feet while I continue to treat my anxiety via healthy lifestyle habits.  Why after so many years of au naturel treatments have I succumbed to medication?  Because right now I think I need a little boost.  I don’t necessarily love sharing this info but I feel like I need to be honest with you all, all the time.  I don’t know most of you out there but I know you’re out there…

My whole life I’ve needed a chill pill.  Only now it’s really affecting my health.  Lately, I get really anxious when I have to go out in public.  Even when I’m excited and happy about something I feel too overwhelmed, like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and I have trouble taking a deep breathe.  I can sleep 10 hours a day if you let me and I have a really hard time getting out of bed.  And my thoughts go to dark places.  For example, I will randomly imagine the worst case scenario for everything imaginable and my thoughts will keep unfolding worse and worse events.  I did that 10 years ago when I was at my lowest.  I conquered those thoughts before and I am working on doing it again.

I think my current place in life is sort of fueling these feelings.

Alex is gone 12 hours a day, 6 days a week for work.  Besides my natural inclination to anxiety, having twin two year olds is pretty stressful.  I have to take them out by myself a few times a week and it’s hard to keep my insides from turning because they like to run into the road and in separate directions and so I physically task myself holding them so they don’t go running out in front of a car.  And in those moments I’m not without worry because I fear a low blood sugar.  I know I shouldn’t worry that one of them will get hit by a car or choke to death on something but the reality is that Henri has scared me by getting away from me in the parking lot and hello? People don’t drive slowly in parking lots near kids anymore and he has run right in front of a car, almost giving me a heart attack.  Henri (why is it always him?) has also choked on a glucose tablet that I accidentally dropped while low and I had to totally pound his little back with my hand to pop it out as he turned blue.  Aurora has peanut and egg allergies and the peanut one is classified as severe.  So everywhere we go I’m obsessing over what she is touching and wiping her tiny hands clean because even though it’s annoying to live this way, I WILL NOT let anything happen to her.  Or her brother.  But these moments of life and death or medical strife are driving me nuts.  This tough time won’t last forever but while it’s here, I’m really on edge.

Something that has made a great negative impact on me is I’ve started reading the news again.  I had stopped completely because let’s face it, I’m not really going to do anything about all those small crimes out there and when it comes to the big news, friends and family will be talking about it, so there is no need to feed my very sensitive self all the cruel and sad news of the world each day.  I can stay properly informed without reading everything.

You know what?  As soon as I started the medicine my mysterious nausea and body aches disappeared and now I’m wondering if that was all related to anxiety/depression.  I thought that was interesting to note.

So anyway here’s the plan: (because I don’t want the side effects of this anxiety medicine, forever, though it is excellent birth control)

-Daily exercise

-Positive affirmations

-Healthy diet

-Media fast

-Give back and be grateful

Anything else I should do that might help?  Suggestions are welcome!

Oh and if YOU are dealing with anything similar, do try and get help, there is no shame in it.  Just work your way back, you, um, we can do it :)

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Thank you so much for posting this. I know exactly what you mean when you said “And my thoughts go to dark places. For example, I will randomly imagine the worst case scenario for everything imaginable and my thoughts will keep unfolding worse and worse events”. It’s like you can’t tell it to stop. I want mine to stop. So badly. I see my baby break out from getting the slightest bit of milk (milk allergy) and I go crazy thinking he could be dead in a few minutes because my mind has made connections to rash – inability to breath – choking – death. Then suddenly something snaps me out of it and I’m able to see him in front of me, smiling and grinning, with only a dime-size itchy patch on him. There are just so many scenarios.
I commend you on getting help, as I haven’t gotten the urge to do so. I’ve always had anxiety issues (even was on medication before I got married), but now it seems 10-fold since having my baby.
Reading stories like yours and some others in the DOC is such a great help to know that when I do, I won’t be alone.
Thank you.

Being someone who suffered from anxiety attacks that were triggered by different episodes in my daily life, I completely understand and will say by expressing your thoughts to a counselor and taking medication is essential. In addition, getting support from people in your life who can takeover when you are really having a hard day sometimes is necessary.

Until you can address the issues that are causing you to be triggered and develop techniques to deal with your fears, phobias, sadness and panic attacks, it is sometimes necessary to take an anti-anxiety mediciation.

I journalized; drew pictures; used positive imagery and meditation techniques; and went through the stages of recovering from my deep sadness slowly and emotional pain and with the help of a counselor was able to conquer and unleash my ability to be successful at feeling good once more. In my case, since my trauma was filled with violence and abuse that occurred over many years at the hands of a sociopath, it had to be handled with extreme care by a therapist trained in treating people with serious PTSD…I was someone who did not show any outward signs and most people were fully unaware of the turmoil that was hidden so deeply for many years. I covered it with perfectionism, control. overachieving and being the best student,, mother, daughter, wife and teacher. When my kids were grown and I was faced with flooded flashbacks of the long lost memories, I had no desire to keep on living and seriously thought I would take my life. Fortunately, because of my love for my husband and children, I went for counseling and finally was able to work through it and now am in a place I never thought possible. However, I always realize that the potential of being triggered once again is possible, especially when abuse like Penn State or any sexually or violent acts against children occur. Thankfully, it happens less than before and I am able to work through it by an approach that was geared to my particular triggers. As you know, I am a beleiver in positive affirmations, self-defeating attitudes, effective communication skills, mindfulness and exercise. I only took anxiety meds for a short time when I was flooded as I wanted to feel my pain since my trauma had made me numb of all feelings for so long. I took a hard approach which does not work for many and my counselor tried to convince me to do otherwise. I look back and realize I probably should have taken more medications but being stubborn I did not. Feel free to email me anytime and realize you will get through this. My own experience was an extreme and if I can survive and thrive, I know you can, too. Hugs from your friend Ellen

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