Yes, that’s my son wearing his sister’s hair bow.
Lately I’ve had some breakthroughs in honesty with myself (sounds funny and sad all at once doesn’t it?) I’ve come to an interesting conclusion…
During my twin pregnancy I imagined being the kind of mom that cooks organic food, takes the kids out to the park and on play dates, reads books and plays games and sings songs all day, and enjoys it all thoroughly.
I’ve slowly but surely arrived at the understanding with myself that I suck as a stay at home mom. There. I said it. Just to catch a break I let my kids color on the walls (which takes HOURS of scrubbing with baking soda and vinegar to remove). I allow them to leap over the high end of the couch (yeah, kinda dangerous-but they’re so skillful!). And sometimes they eat pop tarts for breakfast (which leads me to deal with the subsequent sugar overload and extremely agitated behavior). Now don’t get me wrong. I know that’s not that bad. Overall, my kids eat healthy and get treated really well.
When I say I suck as a stay at home mom, what I mean is I don’t like it (I can’t believe I just said that).
I do like being in my robe all morning if I so please. I like knowing how my kids are doing at all times of the day. I like seeing the fun and funny and crazy things they do. I know I’m fortunate to be able to stay home with them. But, I feel like I lose my mind. Even when I was a kid, I preferred to hang around adults. Now that I am one, this is all too true for me. One never gets used to diapers, in my case. I can only sing but so many kid songs during the day before I feel my brain wanting to explode. And when my kids scream in unison, I want to run down the street to the liquor store.
My anxiousness to work in my field of passion, health and nutrition for people with diabetes, as a health coach, has me raring to go like a hungry bull or race horse. I am torn between wanting so badly to dedicate time on this and yet I am full of guilt because I know my kids deserve better. They deserve my undivided attention. I’d hire a nanny but I can’t afford one or daycare. I didn’t know what I wanted to do until they were born but that’s precisely when I got really busy so I haven’t been able to dedicate time to my newfound “thing”. It’s pretty frustrating, as wonderful a blessing as they are.
I will say that my kids do get the best of me. My blog and other online work gets my scraps, late at night or during naptime. It’s just that the best of me is feeling so forced? I can totally understand women who have their kids and return to work a few months later. We are not all the same personality type and cannot possibly all do the same parenting styles. The thing is, since I can’t get my kids another care taker, it is my responsibility to not work 10 other jobs while parenting them all day. I can’t burn out and I can’t let my health slip. And if I don’t give them 100%, problems will arise that could have been prevented.
So I resolve to hold back a little on the blog. Maybe write once a week? One quality post is better than three hurried ones, I’m sure. I think it’s great I’m feeling really motivated for my work (first time EVER!). But, I’m trying to remember there is a time for everything. I checked my blood sugar 20 times a day to make them, surely I can parent them the way I feel is best even though it’s not my favorite thing? (Kids, if you read this one day, YOU are both my favorite things but I am no Mary Poppins)
Does anyone else feel torn, selfish, or anxious about life as a mom? I think we need to talk about this more openly. I don’t want to be ashamed for feeling torn between what I need to do and what I want to do. It does help to get this all out.