Author Archives: Sysy

The Diabetes Post I Never Wanted to Write

I knew quite a bit about type 1 diabetes before I diagnosed myself with it at age 11. My sister was diagnosed earlier the same year and I read up on it at the library in order to be useful to the family.

I still remember sitting in science class in 1994 when it hit me. I knew I had type 1 diabetes.

Days ago I got out the diary I wrote in between the ages of nine and 14. I read my early entries to my two nine-year-olds. They thought a day in February was hysterical which just said: “I’m SO bored!” I read to myself some of my age 10 entries, leading up to my diagnosis. Boy, was I moody…I couldn’t help but get a feeling of deja vu later that day when my daughter said something similar to what I had written on December 8th, 1995: “I just don’t know…” I wrote that so I know the feeling behind it and the way my daughter said it when I asked her if she was ok actually gave me the creeps. She sounded dazed and confused. I felt panic because it seemed that if I didn’t know what was wrong, and she didn’t know, then how could I help? She is an articulate child and generally knows herself so this kind of response was disturbing and abnormal.

Then on a typical Wednesday, my son comes up to me and says he is nervous because his vision is blurry. I stay calm and tell him that I’m going to check his blood sugar just to rule that one thing out. Type 1 diabetes in my children is a constant worry of mine.

I have two siblings with type 1 and an uncle with it, too. We definitely carry the genetic predisposition for it.

Alex is home from work now and he encourages our son to let me prick his finger.

He’s very nervous but he lets me do it. He’s 108. My stomach falls. I wish it was lower. That number is just good enough and just bad enough that I sit there dumbfounded. He looks worried and says, “that’s a little too high, isn’t it?” I have never lied to my kids so I tell him, “I think so…but it’s not too bad, we’re just going to keep an eye on your blood sugar going forward, ok? You don’t have to worry about it right now.” (His vision was back to normal after we checked him, turns out he had been pressing on his eyes, you know, things kids do).

Then suddenly, I decided I must check my daughter’s blood sugar. She is afraid of having her finger pricked so she runs away to her room. Alex has a chat with her and I am able to do it, though it’s no easy task. She has generally always been a very tough patient and I’m distracted by trying to keep her calm and keep her from pulling her finger away until the meter quickly counts down and beeps and the strangest number shows up on the screen: 245 mg/dL making my jaw fall open.

I’m speechless. I show Alex the meter and he looks just like me. He mouths the word “no…”. I tell our daughter there was a mistake and that I need to check her again. She’s upset by this and asks why. At this moment our son is looking at the result on the meter and says, “Was that her number? She’s really high…oh no, mom, I’m scared” And he starts to cry. She is on the other side of the room avoiding another finger prick. We check her again and confirm the high. She walks away to the couch and is upset about her bleeding finger and the slight throbbing. I accidentally pricked her too hard due to being unable to stop my shaking.

I check Alex’s blood sugar, for some strange reason. I don’t know what I was hoping for, the possibility of a screwy meter? He’s 100 mg/dL. I feel a rush of despair as I realize that our kids, who should have lower blood sugar than their dad, both have higher blood sugar than him.

Immediately I start thinking about research that shows what the chances are for a fraternal twin to get type 1 if one has it. I think the chance was about 22%, which is crazy high. For identical twins, I think it’s 50%.

I sit crying quietly with Alex at the dinner table for a few minutes. Then, while he’s holding our daughter in his arms, I ask him, “should we tell her?” Our daughter still doesn’t know what’s going on while the three of us are all mourning for her. Alex nods to my question. So I tell her that her blood sugar was high. She immediately knows she has type 1 as she covers her face to cry. She’s lived with it all her life by being my kid. Since she’s always been homeschooled, we’ve spent all our days together and she and her brother have not only seen all that I do to manage but have also heard me talk about it often. She even knows the risks and complications that can come with type 1.

I inform her with strong conviction that I have learned how to manage type 1 diabetes well and that we would take care of her. This is true. I have been a weird type 1 diabetic. I’ve talked and written about it much more than most type 1s would ever want to. Recently, I had told Alex that I still didn’t know why I have been obsessively compelled to learn so much about diabetes and to constantly read about it.

Sometimes you work hard and spend all your free time on something and you don’t understand why you’re driven to do it, you only know you must. I don’t enjoy learning about diabetes or talking about it or writing about it all the time. But now I know what I was training for, apparently.

A few years ago I imagined what I would feel if one of my children were diagnosed with this and I vividly saw myself on the floor, a puddle that no one could pull up and console–a pitiful shell of a person that couldn’t help anyone. I truly imagined that I would be so emotionally injured that I would die. But since my kids need me, I decided then that I had to toughen up. Because I can’t die on them.

Over the last few years, I have changed dramatically. My mindset is different now and many of my beliefs, too. I studied philosophy to learn how to determine was it real, true, and good and I started looking at everything more objectively. I was able to stop being mad at certain things and start being mad at things that deserved my wrath. I began to hold myself accountable and responsible for my life and my emotions. I stopped being fragile, honestly. I have been transmitting all this to my kids, teaching them how to think critically, be resilient, be righteous, and brave.

So I realized that night, standing in the kitchen with Alex’s arms around me, that I wasn’t a puddle on the floor. I was full of adrenaline of course, but I was standing tall and determined. If type 1 diabetes were a person, I’d be glaring at it, calculating just how I was going to beat it down.

Alex and I had a meeting with the kids the same evening about how we were all going to eat from now on. I eat a very low carb diet to manage my diabetes and now my entire family is going to do it. They are already used to a low carb diet but the step down to “very low carb” is not easy. I was surprised by how willing our son was to do this for his sister.

My daughter hasn’t cried again since…even after seeing me break down after the official diagnosis at the doctor’s office days later. She just took my hand and looked me in the eye and said firmly, “Everything is going to be alright.” I told her I was just so sorry and that I never wanted her to have what I have. She said, “I know, mom, it’s ok. Let’s go home.”

When did she grow up? Was it the day she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes?

We caught the type 1 early so she doesn’t need insulin, yet. Her diet is keeping her mostly in the 70s and 80s. I check her during the day and in the middle of the night. She’s like a new kid when it comes to the finger pricking. She easily gives me her pinky, her favorite finger–mine, too coincidentally, turns her head away and covers her eyes with her free hand.

I’m still bursting into spontaneous tears at times but I don’t feel weak and hopeless. I am devastated. Yet, my love for my kids fuels me. I will take care of my daughter’s diabetes and teach her how to have excellent blood sugar management. I will keep an eye on my son’s blood sugars. I will make sure my husband knows what he needs to know to feel confident when I’m not around.

If there’s anything I’ve learned thanks to diabetes is that life is hard but much harder if you don’t learn to defer gratification and be stoic and use restraint and wisdom and curiosity. It feels good to avoid sweets in order to see better blood sugars. It feels good to check blood sugar in the middle of the night to stay safe. Everything you do that is wise but difficult will boost your self-confidence and self-respect and make you the person you always wanted to be: healthy as is possible, brave, and in some very meaningful ways–triumphant.

I strive to be humble, patient, empathetic, calm, and respectful with my daughter throughout this journey. I know that if I do these things, she’ll likely treat herself that way the rest of her life and she only deserves good things–including normal blood sugar.

15 Weeks Carnivore Diet Update

I made it through Halloween and Thanksgiving!

During the last few weeks, the cold arrived, typical for this time of year. I don’t do well from November to March because of the cold and darkness. I should probably move south. Anyway, it’s been harder to stay motivated and on top of tasks. Something as simple as neglecting to go to the store for beef has led to a little cheat here and there. However, these have been revealing:

A spoon of cashew butter caused stomach cramps and bloating.

I suspect chocolate (Lily’s sugar-free dark chocolate) bothers me. I wake up stuffy the way I used to. I have a lot of environmental allergies, and I know chocolate is high in histamine, so I wonder if that’s the main issue there. I should learn to keep chocolate as a very occasional treat.

Cheese isn’t a problem except for the way it hinders bowl movements, so it needs to be very minimal in my diet. This happens to many people, I know. If it doesn’t happen to you, I’m jealous!

A chicken wing from a store that had a tiny amount of flour added to the coating caused a good deal of bloating. Note to self: don’t forget to read labels.

A small bite of banana while low caused bloating and cramping.

Needless to say that the above experiences all led to me feeling worse and encouraged me to hop back on the never-cheat-train.

More Observations

My second menstruation experience on the carnivore diet was different than most of my periods. This time I had zero cramps and I usually have plenty of very painful cramping which started up last year after having been gone for years. Ah, lady hormones and the maddening confusion they cause…

Eating meat has become easier over the weeks and months. If I happen to have tough meat, I can just swallow cubes and digest it without any problem.

I found that steak tips cooked in an instant pot are pretty good and cheaper than whole steaks–which admittedly are by far the most satisfying. I never knew what the difference was between cuts. Now I know I prefer the porterhouse, followed by the ribeye, and the flank iron. For some reason I didn’t enjoy a filet mignon I found on sale. Too lean, perhaps? Due to my discovery of steak I’ve been eating what is on sale and having eggs in the morning. Sometimes I have burgers. It doesn’t cost more than how I used to eat (all that variety adds up!), but that’s because I’m not a big person and don’t need a lot of food. This is costly for others, for sure. A tall, active male would be spending quite a bit on food!

I think I might be having less joint pain, but I can’t be sure, and I’m not confident saying so. I will keep putting attention to this, though. Coincidentally, my knee has stopped hurting. It’s been hurting consistently since I tore a significant tendon back in March and in the last few weeks, it hasn’t said a thing, which is terrific because maybe now I can do something other than light walking for a change.

Some Labs

I have just been to the doctor for labs and haven’t received them so far except for my A1c, HDL, and LDL numbers. My A1c is 5.5% which is up from 5.1%. This is due to two reasons. One: I had a stressful couple of months unrelated to diet and two: the carnivore diet helped me almost completely avoid lows, and my A1c changes partially reflect that. My HDL went up from 64 to 70 which is great and my LDL, as would be expected, went up from 115 to 145. I will be interested in seeing my triglycerides soon as well as all the other lab results. I can update on that, later. I have heard that LDL isn’t super reliable for assessing risks and that it tends to go up when losing weight and changing the diet and then it may go back down. I don’t know, but will be following these numbers.

For reasons I’ll share in coming posts, I’ve stopped the carnivore diet (has nothing to do with the diet). I will be reintroducing vegetables and more nuts now.

Thank you for reading. I’m grateful I’m alive and silly enough to try things most people would wildly advise against. The journey is packed with lessons and increased self-awareness. I do think I’ve gained something from this experience.

 

8 Week Carnivore Diet Update

I didn’t think I’d make it this long. Here are the last few weeks’ observations:

I began to check my blood pressure once or twice a day and found it keeping around 95/65 which is a bit on the low side. I take 10 mg lisinopril per day and cut down to 5 mg. My blood pressure dropped a little more and made me dizzy, so I removed it entirely.

But, something always stresses me out each month as I have terrible premenstrual syndrome symptoms and poor stress management (I think, anyway), so I kept a close eye on my blood pressure. Sure enough, stress made it jump up one evening to 130/115 so for several days I was sure to keep taking enough medication to push that back down. The anxiety has subsided, and so has my blood pressure, so now I’m down to 2.5 mg- 5 mg per day as a buffer–it doesn’t make my blood pressure too low and is there to help should I get overstressed. As soon as I feel stress growing, I think I’ll have to check my blood pressure and give a little more medication as prescribed (my doctor lets me monitor and adjust my dose slightly on my own).

Carnivore Diet Plus PMS

It was hard going through my period without alcohol or something sweet to help me cope. I might be more ashamed to admit this if I actually knew anyone who didn’t lean on something edible for comfort. If you’re one of these people who can go through physical pain and emotional turmoil and not turn to a little food or drink, I think I’d love to meet you. And maybe learn from you.

Anyway, once that was over, I felt much better. Something I did in the week before the extra stress and blood pressure elevation was consumed pre-salted hamburger patties (which were way too salty for me). I felt better switching to eggs at mid-morning and steak in the evening, both with salt. If you research the carnivore diet you’ll hear that you need plenty of electrolytes. This may be true but my blood pressure medicine raises my potassium a bit, and I take magnesium powder every morning. The moderate amount of salt on my food seems ok so far. I’ll keep noting further changes as this is new to me.

I’m still recovering from a knee injury from May, so all I can do is light exercise. That’s perfectly easy to do on this diet. I can walk miles, use resistance bands, and cook/clean without problems. I feel better actually, possibly due in part to my blood sugars being even better than before but also because my digestion is a non-issue for the first time in my life. I’m not even aware of it. I think that’s how we’re supposed to be, no?

I’m doing better with cravings now. I wish I didn’t have to fix the occasional low blood sugar with glucose because that keeps me in touch with the taste of sweetness. Still, I can watch someone eat pizza and feel nothing. I crave broccoli…but you know what’s funny? I don’t crave the thought of broccoli unless it’s got cheese or butter on it. When I think of other vegetables, the same thing happens! Does this mean I’ve been using vegetables as a carrier for other foods? Has my loud and proud love of vegetables been more of a virtual signal this whole time?

You could argue I like the combinations of the bitter and salty and sweet and creamy, etc., and you’d be on to something. We don’t tend to overconsume butter alone, we overconsume butter when it’s mixed with sugar and flour and salt and made into cookies. And many of us can’t resist these combinations–to the point of utterly destroying our health. Am I one of these people? Maybe. On my regular diet of animal foods and vegetables, I tend to avoid low-carb treats because the Pringles Syndrome– “once you pop you can’t stop” sets in.

My weight is down a bit more. I can finally put on most of my pre-pregnancy clothing. I have been trying to do that for about ten years, and I did it without feeling hungry!

At this rate, I’ll be at my pre-wedding weight by Christmas. I’ll be curious to see if that helps my blood pressure. I’m sure it will help my knees. Any extra weight means compounded weight on one’s knees and feet, and less is more for healing my quadriceps tendon tear.

I haven’t noticed any positive changes in my skin issues nor joint clicking and pain. Even if this diet doesn’t solve specific problems, it may help me rule out some things or provide hints. It may take more time, too. So many unknowns! I feel kind of nuts, but not entirely because I feel better than before and better is…well, better!

Three Weeks Eating a Carnivore Diet as a Type 1 Diabetic

I have been eating a “carnivore diet” for three weeks now. Today starts week four.

The cravings hit pretty hard during week two where I prowled, ironically, like a lion on the hunt. Except I was hunting for anything but meat.

I learned something interesting recently. I don’t like the taste of meat. I love the taste of sauces, salt, spices, and herbs. I’ve always seasoned my meat and ate it with other foods like vegetables or tomatoes. Not doing this makes it very dull.

I also learned that apparently, I derive quite a bit of joy from food. So when going a few weeks only eating meat with salt (and mostly beef for that matter), I have had to confront all that I have otherwise used food to cope with.

Anxious? Sad? Worried? Enjoy a tasty meal or snack! Not doing so meant sitting down on the couch utterly dumbfounded, trying to figure out how to deal with my feelings in another way. I thought I had resolved food issues by eating primarily meat and veggies for a while and feeling good and happy about that, but I guess there was, even more, I didn’t know about.

Week three went more smoothly. I only ate hamburger patties–two to four per day. That and coffee with a little cream. I have not been hungry. I have not had any gastrointestinal upset. I have had way more time than usual thanks to meals being super easy to prepare.

I haven’t been checking my blood pressure enough to note changes so I’ll be doing that this next week.

Finally Losing Weight Without Hunger

Something I’ve been pleasantly surprised with is that despite eating the same number of calories as before, I’m now losing weight after I had come to a standstill. Earlier this year I had lost weight by eating low fat and low carb for a few weeks. This was very difficult. I lost 5 pounds and couldn’t continue being hungry and tired.

In three weeks I’ve lost 5 pounds without ever being hungry and while getting adequate protein just the same. Super weird! I wonder if it will continue to work that way and if I can finally get past my lifelong plateau? We’ll see.

The fat I’ve lost is definitely in the right place. My clothes all fit the same except at the waist.

Other Notable Changes

I’ve been warmer than usual, maybe due to burning a bunch of calories. I don’t have to sleep with socks anymore which is nice. My feet are just warmer.

I’ve finally stopped all the crazy sweating. Maybe that was part of the adaption process?

I tried walking 3 miles pretty quickly and found I had high energy for it.

My blood sugar levels have been crazy good. I got emotional a few times in the past few weeks because I would go all day with my blood sugar staying between 80-90 mg/dl–even during exercise, and it made me remember what it was like not to have diabetes. This part is heaven.

If you’re burnout by type 1 diabetes, I can’t advise you to do anything, but I will say that in the future, I will personally be doing this diet to cope with burnout while keeping great control of blood sugars. Please note that insulin needs may change dramatically and you’ll want to know how to manage those before attempting.

I also have noticed that I’m less congested in the morning. I used to always have post-nasal drip in the mornings due to a plethora of allergies but not now. My voice and my eyes have been clearer upon waking. I no longer sound like Marge Simpson in the morning.

Geez, I wonder what food was doing that to me?

Side Observations

Ancient Stoicism teaches that if you feel you can’t live without something, you’re a slave to it and should thus practice living without that something so that you can rise above the fixation or addiction or whatever it is.

Let’s not go the path of wondering if it means that we should live without a spouse or child or basic needs.

I’ve been wondering if I have been relying too much on food to serve as an emotional crutch.

Forced instead, to properly deal with feelings has been useful in identifying things that need my attention. I think it’s pretty common for us to feel overwhelmed, eat food we enjoy, and never really pinpoint just what is upsetting us, which then means we aren’t able to act on it.

Things that are upsetting us are very often lying behind something else–which is more of a trigger.

For example, I would say that pet peeves that make some people go bonkers are mere triggers for something entirely different that is seriously bothering a person. Like, really, you can’t handle how your partner loads the dishwasher? I think you’re anxious or upset about something else.

In Stoicism, the challenge you’re facing is your path. Are you having a hard time managing your diabetes and is that the center of your issues? Well, then your focus should be figuring out how to manage your diabetes. Are you continually failing at trying to avoid overeating sugar? You may want to live entirely without it.

People cite eating disorders with this line of thinking. I don’t know enough about eating disorders, even though I used to have very disordered eating before I learned to manage my diabetes, but according to the definition of eating disorders, society, overall, is not doing too well with food. So many have a constant unwelcome preoccupation with food and overeat it. Is that disordered eating?

I love food like a gourmet foodie nerd but is there a reason I seek that kind of flavor stimulation? Is that reason positive or negative or is this an overcomplication of the fact that people enjoy life? What happens when we enjoy it to the point of becoming miserable because of the consequences?

If dietary sugar generally has a negative function in the body, and research seems to show this, I don’t see how a radical avoidance of it can be wrong for those who struggle with cravings or overconsumption of sweet foods or merely want optimal health. You can’t have too much health or happiness (or even loyalty from your partner) because those are good things. And you can’t actually have too much of a good thing–an objectively good thing, that is. You can’t say sleep is good, but we can overdo it. The right amount of quality sleep for an individual is what’s good.

My health challenges are a mystery, so I’m playing Sherlock Holmes and trying to go about deducing a better outcome. So far I’ve had positive results from this diet, even though I don’t love what I’m eating. It does satisfy, and I enjoy not feeling hungry, so in that sense, it’s effortless to continue.

I will update you again, soon.

What is the Carnivore Diet and Why am I Doing it?

The carnivore diet generally consists of eating only animal meat. For many, it includes other animal products that don’t raise blood sugar like cream and butter.

There are various reasons why people are doing this diet. Some are doing it because they’ve heard that it boosts physical performance and they want to see if it does that for them.

Some are doing it because it sounds appealingly primal. For these people, this sounds like a temporary fad diet.

Others, connected to Bitcoin, are doing it as a lifestyle statement of sorts protesting centralized banking and healthcare–or something like that. You’ll have to read more about it as I do not have an affiliation with this group.

One of the more common reasons I have found for people taking on such a limited diet is that they have ailments they are suffering from and are desperate to treat in a way that doesn’t include harsh drugs but rather work at the root of the problems. This is the camp I fall into.

I’ve been following this diet for several years out of curiosity as an objective observer. I’ve read claims of an all meat diet healing one’s gut and therefore being useful for those with multiple food allergies, sensitivities, and autoimmune conditions. The goal here is to heal and then reintroduce foods.

This past year I’ve had several months long bouts of fatigue and joint pain flares. These have happened over the last decade but the pain and duration of the flare-ups have been getting progressively worse. I’ve also developed some kind of dermatitis on my face and have psoriasis. Things get real when they happen to your face because you can’t hide it and you’re constantly reminded of it.

My doctor said that he could give me prescription non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs like Naproxen but those can damage kidneys over time. He said he could give me steroids but those would raise my blood sugars. Neither option seems like a solution to me. I’m only 35 years old.

My kids have my genes and another motivation for me to figure out what might help autoimmune problems is to know what may work in the case my kids were to develop something.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

So anyway, I finally became fed up enough recently that I decided to find out if the diet could be tried without serious health consequences.

I did research on the topic of how bowel movements happen in the absence of dietary fiber, the need for vitamin C changing while not consuming carbohydrates, and what the latest science says about cholesterol. If you’re interested, I urge you to research these fascinating topics.

Sufficiently armed with a base level of confidence that I wasn’t going to kill myself by doing this for a few weeks, I plunged into the diet one week ago. I haven’t removed coffee because I don’t want to deal with caffeine withdrawal just yet. I’ve been eating beef, chicken, salmon, sardines, pork, eggs, butter, and cream.

One Week Symptoms

Here’s what I’ve experienced so far:

The first two days I had cravings for everything except meat. I also started sweating a lot, which for me isn’t much, because I am not one to sweat, so just sweating period was a strange occurrence. I would sweat at each meal which wasn’t very appealing. I sweat a lot the first two or three nights, too. My weight, after 3 days, went down 3 pounds which may have been initial water weight loss.

On day 3 I noticed that my stomach has flattened. That’s weird, I thought my belly was just really pudgy. It appears I was bloated or retaining fluid there. My husband was surprised to see a little bit of a four pack of abs. He said, “Wow, your waist is actually really small, isn’t it?” Apparently so.

Another thing I noticed on day 3 was that I sprung out of bed so easily in the morning. For many, many years, since I was a teen, I’ve been trying to wake up while feeling happy and energized. I couldn’t do it. These last 10 years have been brutal. I have needed more than 8 hours of sleep each night and I have had such a hard time in the mornings that I had extended my waking hours into the night (since I feel pretty good then). So two years ago I was going to bed at 12-2 am most nights and getting up late. All this time I’ve been wanting to get my sleep schedule in sync with my husband’s–he gets up at 6 am, sometimes earlier. Well, since day 3 and each day since, I’ve been up at 5:30 or 6 am.

In the past 20 years, I’ve consistently struggled in the morning because when I wake up I feel like I’m dying and feel super depressed and stiff for about 30 minutes. Eventually, I feel better but it makes life hard when you don’t welcome the day. Maybe I’m just excited and these effects will wear off soon. We’ll see.

Another thing I’ve noticed is my coffee has started to taste much sweeter despite me drinking it the same way I have been having it for a long time.

As you can imagine, my blood sugars have been ridiculously stable. On the first three days, I had to treat a  few low blood sugars with a glucose tablet or two but I’ve since lowered my basal and haven’t had any more lows. I am now taking 6 units of Tresiba in the morning and 3 units of Tresiba at night. I take about 6-8 total daily units of regular human insulin with my meals. I may take a unit or two of Humalog as a correction to stay below 100 mg/dl.

Speaking of meals, I’ve needed only two a day because the food is so filling.

My digestion is fine (I was worried I’d get constipated but that hasn’t happened). I take a magnesium supplement every day and Vit D3. I’m thinking of adding a little bit of Vitamin C.

The other thing I’ve noticed is I seem to be much more sensitive to the effects of alcohol this past week. Just the other night I had two shots of liquor (something I do only a few times a year with no problems) but this time I suffered the worst hangover of my life and the first one as a mother, which truly embarrasses me. I endured nearly 8 hours of vomiting–that was just yesterday.

I don’t know how that happened. I threw up bile for the first time since I was in the hospital with severe kidney stone pain 12 years ago and had to keep a hawk eye on my blood sugars while sipping water infused with electrolyte drops. Lesson learned the hard way. Take severe caution with alcohol.

Maybe I’ve hurt my liver in the last week and that’s what happened? Not likely. I’ve been eating mostly meat and veggies for a long time and my liver tests have been great. I do have high bilirubin levels but always have and providers have speculated that it’s a harmless genetic thing (possibly Gilbert’s Syndrome).

I Will Keep You Updated

It’s still early for me so I will strive to be objective as I continue to note whatever positive and negative things pop up. I have no big hopes or expectations. I just want to find out if this helps. If not, I’d be very happy to go back to my beloved vegetables, nuts, and dark chocolate.

The good days of my monthly menstrual cycle are currently happening. The effects of rising estrogen and the oomph of extra testosterone make everything better. I’ll have to really test this out through my monthly week of low hormone hell which nothing–not even rainbows or ice cream can survive.

I do want to point out that I’ve never been a big meat lover. For the past decade, my favorite foods have been mostly vegetables, flavorful sauces, herbs, spices, and sweets. I joke that I like steak only because I get to have steak sauce. Or that I like shrimp because of that tomato-based cocktail dip. Wings dipped in blue cheese–you get the idea.

Eating only animal products has made meals so strangely satisfying. I can’t figure out why that is if I love veggies but am no longer eating them. I’m entirely weirded out. Since I’m feeling fine, I’m going to keep it up for a while to observe my symptoms.

Time will tell me more. If you think this sounds crazy, I’m with you, but I hope I am not judged harshly for trying to stop my widespread pain. It’s bothering me enough now that I’m willing to try anything. I don’t feel like I have anything to lose. I have other ideas to try to help rule out causes to my symptoms. I’m determined to somehow make things better for myself. Right now, it’s the carnivore diet.

For better or worse, I will update you soon.

Why There is Nothing Wrong With Sharing Your A1c

Why do some people with diabetes share their A1c? Why do some not share that info? For various reasons, of course. I support people doing what they feel is right to do for themselves. If you don’t want to share your A1c or weight or the square footage of your home, I respect that.

Why do I share my A1c? Because I used to think that normal or near-normal blood sugars were not something I would ever get to enjoy as a type 1 diabetic…until I heard that some people like me had A1c levels in the 4-5% range and I thought, “wait a minute? this is possible? It couldn’t be…how do they do it?”

Their A1c level was like a signal for me. It led me to seek out these people and what they were doing to get that A1c. It led me to figure out what might help me improve my blood sugars. Along the way, I had to learn how to avoid lows and what technology best served me and how insulin works. But, I eventually became one of those people with a “normal A1c” and darned straight I’m going to tell people about it because others once did me a huge favor by telling me!

That said, I don’t care if no one cares about my A1c. What matters to me is why I share. I think it might be helpful to someone and I’m willing to spend time sharing on that hope.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with sharing your A1c because it doesn’t hurt anyone to do so. Some say it does hurt some people’s feelings but so does announcing a pregnancy, engagement, or job raise.

Those who insist on speaking for others need to think twice–are you sure they want you to speak for them? Those whose feelings are hurt who notice that others are doing just fine with the same information may want to look inward and consider that shame or jealousy may need to be addressed. I say that because someone gave me that line and I found that focusing on my personal issues was a life saver. Who cares if someone shares their health data? Not me.

Calling Things by Their Proper Name and Why High Blood Sugars Always Make You Feel Bad

Dr. Stephen Ponder, an endocrinologist living with type 1 diabetes, has been posting thought-provoking questions on Facebook. One of the latest questions was: “How often do you say “good” or “bad” when talking about blood sugar (or an A1C)? If not, then how do you describe them? Should kids use “good” and “bad” when talking about their sugar levels?”

I thought I’d answer in the form of a blog post since this sparked a whole long train of thought for me.

Confucious supposedly said, “The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper name.” If something causes you harm–for example, as high blood sugar does, then I hesitate NOT to call it a “bad” blood sugar because it simply is, whether we acknowledge it or not. I believe it would be bad for my health if I didn’t identify, accept, and name the truth on a regular basis. It’s hard to swallow but my reality needs to be very much imposed on me if I am to act in my best interest.

Houston: We Have a Problem

People email me all the time asking what the secret is to my pretty good diabetes management and how I have the discipline for it. Honestly, any good I derive from my actions begins with calling things by their proper name. That means that I admit that eating what I want and covering it with insulin doesn’t work well enough (for me). I openly say that low carb for type 1 diabetes is the only way I know of, to get close to achieving normal blood sugar levels, a healthy weight, and safety from severe hypoglycemia. And I say that not having normal blood sugar levels is physiologically harmful because we know it is. If it weren’t, no one would be diagnosed with pre-diabetes with a 6% A1c level but, they are every minute of every day. It is on that basis that I call a 6.5% harmful and deem it not good enough for me.

If I don’t acknowledge that something is “bad” or “not good” then I don’t follow with the appropriate response or actions which have to do with changing those blood sugars or anything else. We need to apply judgment in our daily lives. It’s necessary. I have to be able to admit to myself when I’ve mistreated a loved one or I’ll certainly continue to do it. I have to be able to admit when I’m overeating, or I’ll keep gaining weight. And I have to be able to say “no, that’s not good for me” or I will suffer various potentially unlimited consequences. What is it they say to those with an addiction? “You must first admit there is a problem.”

High Blood Sugars Make You Feel Bad Even if You’re Told Not to Feel Bad

I understand parents of children with diabetes don’t want to use “good” and “bad” in relation to blood sugars or diabetes management in part because the child didn’t have anything to do with getting such a brutal condition and we don’t want them to feel bad about themselves due to diabetes. And I do support the effort many parents put into saying things like, “It’s not that you did anything bad, it’s that this isn’t working and we need to figure out what will work better.” There is still an acknowledgment that something isn’t working and the troubleshooting can begin and the child can feel better, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I’ve recently put quite a bit of thought into why I struggle to do what I needed to as a kid with diabetes. There are several reasons but I think the main one is that doing what my parents and I were told to do didn’t ensure my success, at all, and made me feel sick and anxious anyhow and thus I acted out of hopelessness, by lying about my blood sugars, not always doing my blood sugar testing, and sneaking sugary foods to self-medicate my feelings of despair. I knew what my high blood sugars meant for my future, and in the immediate moment, my self-esteem took a hit. High blood sugars (especially really high blood sugars) make you extremely sluggish, make your saliva thick and foamy, your thinking slow, and make you not look and feel generally healthy (albeit subtly, at first).

Let’s face it, anything that is a detriment to health is a detriment to outwardly attractiveness, if not now, then later. I remember thinking as a teen that I was totally ok with my ears sticking out–there was nothing I could do, and they functioned properly, but I wasn’t ok with the weight gain I was experiencing from the way my diabetes was being managed. I wasn’t ok with becoming less attractive due to diabetes nor slower as I played sports which requires you to compete using your energy and speed. I couldn’t prove to myself or anyone else how just how good I could be as I couldn’t fully apply myself to anything. Within my capabilities, I tried SO hard, though. Not getting results for your efforts because of diabetes makes a person crazy. And successful diabetes management relies on the most effective efforts, not the most industrious ones so I lost out.

For those without diabetes, think of how you feel about yourself when you’ve been injured or come down with a bad cold–you’re knocked down a few pegs, right? Even if people are kind to you and don’t make you feel bad about any of it. Admit it, you feel less attractive, less productive, and you may feel motivated to do whatever it takes to get yourself back to feeling good, even doing things that you were not willing to do before that experience.

I believe many people with diabetes, including children, are in an impossibly precarious situation when their blood sugar management is less than ideal. This is particularly true once they learn what elevated blood sugars can do to them over time or once the negative effects stack up over the years. No, it’s not fair, or whatever, but all I know is my “good” diabetes management began when I admitted to myself that my diabetes management was “bad” and that if I were willing to make some sacrifices in the name of tight blood sugar management, I may have a ticket to health and happiness. It’s been more than worth it, which is why I keep annoyingly banging this tired drum.

Is it Possible to Do Better?

I am partial to diabetes management for adults and children which makes it easier for them to be successful with their diabetes because the alternative leads to misery. No matter how much you tell a person they are “good,” if their blood sugar levels are often high, they are going to be feeling poorly much of the time, and that is going to make them feel “bad,” regardless. It’s very hard for us to separate how we feel, physically, from how we feel, mentally. One follows the other. Feeling unhealthy does not lend itself to feeling good and it never will.

Do some people who don’t feel healthy manage to feel good and happy? Yes, but this is a feat not accomplished by most, and while children amaze us with their resilience alas, they do grow up, and many will suffer the weight of high blood sugars and blood sugar variability and fear of hypoglycemia as evidenced by personal social media accounts and all the studies pointing out rates of anxiety and depression in adults with type 1 diabetes.

This is why I encourage the attempt at a low carb diet for anyone with type 1 diabetes. Thanks to those who do very low carb diets, we’ve learned that it is possible to do better with glycemic control. Did you know that for a long time no one did better than a 4-minute mile and experts said it was impossible and once Sir Roger Bannister did, many others followed suit soon after? That’s because we can only accomplish what we believe is possible. I’m telling you that I’m not special, I don’t have more discipline than you, and that it is possible to achieve very tight and safe, blood sugar control.

The repercussions of this are incredible. In my experience, it leads to better moods, better relationships, improved ability to work, less fear of highs and lows, less anxiety, less depression, better sleep, and on and on. The positive effects are hard to quantify but they are exponential and eventually make going back to another way of managing diabetes something I won’t consider.

You can’t easily feel good about yourself if you don’t feel good physically and you likely can’t feel your best physically if you don’t have blood sugars as close to normal as possible. For more: check out the Sir Roger Bannister of the type 1 diabetes world: Dr. Richard K. Bernstein.

To conclude, I don’t worry about good/bad and any similar terminology when I think to myself, I worry mostly about my outcomes and my actual experience. It’s surprising how happy I can be while honestly telling myself that something is “bad”. That’s because I then put my energy into finding what makes it “good” and focus on that, instead. What you focus on matters and makes all the difference.

(If you manage your blood sugars well without low carb and you’re happy and healthy, I’m not directing this to you, at all.)

Why Dr. Bernstein is an American Hero and Why Doctors Should Be Curious About Him

My colleague at Diabetes Daily, Maria Muccioli, Ph.D., wrote an excellent and in-depth coverage of a remarkable study on very low-carb diets for treating type 1 diabetes in children.

The study found that a group of type 1 diabetic children following a very low-carb diet à la Dr. Bernstein style were not only experiencing normal blood glucose levels (this is nearly unheard of in type 1 diabetes) but also growing well (a top concern as macronutrient intake of carbs is widely believed to be essential for growth in children).

The researchers of the study looked at children from a Facebook group called Type1Grit. This group consists of adults with type 1 diabetes and parents of children with type 1 diabetes who all follow Dr. Bernstein’s regimen. This regimen includes very low-carbohydrate intake but so much more–put just any type 1 diabetic on a very low-carb eating plan, and I promise you’ll likely not get the results you are hoping for–though if you pay close attention to blood sugars you may notice some interesting things regarding the statistical range of error after giving smaller amounts of insulin. It’s about more than low-carb eating. Low-carb is essential to the plan but to do well, there are more things to do and understand. One must understand how to use and adjust insulin properly, understand how different physical activity impacts blood sugars, and so on. The Type1Grit group does so well because they utilize Dr. Bernstein’s decades’ long expertise to guide them (which is all in his book) and like any good support group, they help each other stay focused, informed, and motivated.

Some people on social media have voiced strong opinions against the group due to some of their outspoken members. It is my hope that we focus on content over delivery when it comes to important matters. After all, if fellow thinkers had rejected Issac Newton’s findings simply because he was a jerk (and according to the book I’m reading my kids about him he was) wouldn’t that be a shame? Personally, I strive to be gentle with others because I am quite sensitive. However, I also try not to put my feelings above critical thinking, and I think that serves me well. I also hope that the communication of a few doesn’t cause some to dismiss the whole group or worse–a promising idea. That said, I have not personally observed anyone from that group being rude to others, though some have been quite open and blunt with their opinions and I have observed a very strong response to that, in general. I do not consider an opinion shared in a straightforward manner to be rude.

My Personal Story Following Dr. Bernstein’s Advice

I have followed a loose version of Dr. Bernstein’s protocol for about a decade, further lowering carbs and adding in more of his advice gradually over the years (I now follow his advice very closely). His logic struck me like lightning when I read his book, Dr. Bernstein’s Diabetes Solution. In particular, I was deeply moved by a line that said something about how people with type 1 diabetes “deserve normal blood sugars”. Dr. Bernstein’s protocol includes the use of Regular insulin to cover high protein meals versus faster analog insulin such as Humalog or Novolog. In fact, after using a CGM (continuous glucose monitor) for the first time recently, I quickly saw how my Humalog was a bit too quick and potent at mealtime and then a bit too short hours afterward, so I bought Novolin R at Walmart for $24 and have improved my blood sugar levels. This is to stress how following Dr. Bernstein’s protocol is about more than just reducing carbohydrate intake.

Many years ago, I found immense value in attempting just a little bit of Dr. Bernstein’s advice. Small changes like lowering my carbohydrates and understanding how to use my insulin better led my A1c to drop from 8-9% down to 6%. Before this, just covering high amounts of carbohydrates with insulin had mostly succeeded in making me fat, tired, depressed, and anxious (oh and with protein spilling into my urine as an 18-year-old in her “prime” of life). You have to understand how terrible this was for me–I was a bright-eyed kid who was intelligent, hopeful, hardworking, patient, and super determined. In a few short years, diabetes messed with my potential–I didn’t recognize myself anymore. It’s particularly sad to spend years recovering as a young adult when you’re supposed to be at peak performance and potential due to your youth and energy.

Dr. Bernstein, who many dare call a “quack” or “nutjob” saved my life just as he saved his own. My A1c hasn’t touched 6% in many years. I have a wonderful husband. We have twins who are about to turn 9. I’m still trying to reverse some of the consequences of very high blood sugars from my first 10-12 years with diabetes. What if I didn’t have to?

What Actually Does More Harm?

People tell me that eating low-carb will hurt my cognitive abilities. Do they know that studies indicate that typically managed type 1 diabetes may do that, anyway? Type 1 diabetes (with the average management of 8.2% A1c in the U.S.) has been shown to possibly lower intelligence and negatively affect memory and speed. Low-carb in the long-term may hurt my cognitive abilities (I haven’t seen anything to indicate this possibility though) but what if it just takes the place of what high blood sugars would have done to my cognition? And what if low-carb additionally helps protect my cardiovascular health and my kidneys and my eyes–oh and allow me to have healthy children! Do you know how fortunate I am that I turned things around when I did? I have children because of the information that turned my health around just in the nick-of-time. I can’t begin to describe the level of rage I might have had I never had children yet discovered that Dr. Bernstein has been trying to tell the world about his successful method for decades.

Where is Our Curiosity?

If you find Dr. Bernstein followers as angry or overly-passionate, this may help explain why: Unnecessary suffering is a tragedy. We’re in a country whose founders had been curious and open to acknowledging ideas that are worthy, pushing those ideas to the top where they can be put to the test and then accepted as the best ideas because they can create the best outcomes. This is the great thing about Western Civilization. The embracing of objective principles which allow the best ideas to rise because even if they come from someone we can’t stand, we know that ideas, critical thinking, and truth reign over all else and push us towards progress. Dr. Bernstein’s protocol isn’t an expensive training center and it’s not just for the elite of the world. He thrives using a cheap insulin in the same country where people die because they don’t know they can change their dietary habits and purchase cheap over-the-counter insulin in most states and survive.

From an economic and financial viewpoint, Bernstein’s protocol is also a stunning success. I don’t use an insulin pump or a CGM (I only got to test one out) and yet I can achieve my glycemic targets. I don’t need any apps, certified diabetes educators, or expensive technology. I don’t anxiously await a closed-loop hybrid insulin pump system because I don’t need it. I put all my energy into my simple but effective daily lifestyle. Providers who want to see healthier patients, please read Bernstein’s book. Your lower income patients may not want to follow the regimen in part or entirely but those who are willing deserve to know how to thrive with diabetes despite being poor or lower middle class, like me. I give myself excellent care for cheap–doesn’t that peak your interest?

People are justifiably angry over insulin prices but what about the medical community’s unwillingness to be curious about one doctor’s personal plan to keep himself at peak health and fitness well into his 80s? Without curiosity, what on earth then drives a doctor to investigate the issues in each patient as well as find the proper and least harmful solution? I tell my doctor how I managed a huge drop in A1c for the first time in my life and he has no questions regarding how I did it? I read doctor responses to research that shows a teeny tiny improvement in A1c and now they think “this shows wonderful promise and we should look into it further!”? I basically told my doctor I might have just saved my own life and drastically improved my quality of life, and he’s like “meh”. I told another how I did it and he said, “good for you.” Yes, good for me, but what about some of your patients who are as I was, struggling to get a halfway decent hold on their blood sugar and suffering? What about them? Don’t you have an obligation to check this out? This gives my doctor less work, by the way! For a decade now my doctor does nothing to manage my diabetes–he just orders labs. Aren’t doctors wanting more patients that can manage their blood sugars and don’t need them so desperately at all hours?

It Takes “Too Much Discipline” or “Restraint”

Nothing terrible ever happened by being disciplined. Think of all the amazing people out there and from history–what could they have accomplished without discipline? Probably nothing but a few moments of greatness. Discipline encompasses you within a realm of potential greatness. And if you create a system, discipline isn’t a show of willpower as much as you just loyally following your regular routine.

Much research backs up the potential of the ability to defer gratification. Who is more likely to become successful? The person who can restrict themselves from their impulses and short-lived desires, right? Let me put it this way: who would you rather marry? Someone who can keep their impulses in check or someone who can’t? Or who would you rather be? Someone who doesn’t overeat or someone who regularly does? I remember having hearts in my eyes when my husband told me “I never overeat”. I have long struggled with overeating, and when he said this, I was impressed by him and thought, “wow, I want to be like that.” I believe this is the empowered response. I could have given the common humorous response of “ugh, you make me sick” but where would that have gotten me? Instead, I tried to learn from my husband and improve myself.

I also think the healthy response is to admire someone like Dr. Bernstein for what he has accomplished against great odds. Dr. Bernstein is respected by so many because he created a well-functioning system to get himself thriving and generously shared his findings with others. In fact, as an engineer, he became an endocrinologist so that he could help others after he figured out how to save himself. He should be regarded as an American hero, whether you want to do what he recommends or not.

I believe in freedom and personal rights. I’m an immigrant who is incredibly happy to live in the U.S. Growing up when I found something challenging and I didn’t want to face it, my dad would say “Are you an American or an American’t?” I would often roll my eyes but, yes, I’m an American and believe I have the power to set my mind to improve myself if I want and I’m grateful for those who have set their minds to things and laid out paths before me. Thank you, Dr. Bernstein. I may never reach your astounding level of discipline but what I have been able to achieve with your advice has been most valuable to me and my family and I am forever grateful.

En fin, I’m certainly not saying you should do what he does or what I do. And I can respect wherever you are on your journey. I’m saying that Dr. Bernstein’s method has shown undeniably incredible potential and results and the general lack of curiosity and investigation on behalf of the global medical community makes absolutely no sense to me. There are now thousands of people doing it and doing it well.

Newton supposedly struggled with his ego and an inability to face criticism or questioning during his lifetime. Let’s have his overwhelming curiosity without the pride, his determination to dig and experiment properly without his emotionally unstable and anti-social ways.

I will leave you with one more thought:

Just a little bit less damage sustained is a great deal to the person enduring it, especially when they still have many decades ahead of them.

4 Things I Learned During My 2 Weeks on Crutches

It’s been a little over two weeks, actually.

The quadriceps tendon basically attaches your knee to your thigh muscle. I badly hurt mine stretching one morning. You might agree with the urgent care doctor who told me I “need a better story.”

In thinking about how stupidly easy I hurt myself and how it resulted in severe inconvenience, I realized there were many lessons I was getting out of this experience if I so choose to embrace them.

4 Things I Learned During My 2 Weeks on Crutches

1. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” doesn’t go far enough in my opinion. I would change that to “Be sweet and patient towards the hand that feeds you” even though it’s not as catchy.

My husband, Alex, helped me out of bed in the morning. He made my food. He did the laundry. He took over things with the kids. He washed the dishes. He took the time to make my “second coffee” because the first is for me to wake up and the other to enjoy slowly. He even visited with me so that I wouldn’t feel lonely in between all his work, which included building an entire fenced-in garden.

At first, Alex was overwhelmed. Why wouldn’t he be? He has an entirely different routine every day of the week. Stepping into someone else’s busy day without having their habits and experience is harder than it sounds. I’ll admit I was secretly a little pleased that he saw how hard I work, even though he doesn’t make me feel like I don’t work hard.

I initially insisted that things be done a certain way or asked him to do more and realized this was counterproductive. The first two days were rough with him trying to adjust to some rhythm, and I worked hard to bite my tongue and really sweetly say nothing other than “thank you”. My gratitude for all he was doing and patience for his learning curve paid off. I saw my efforts rewarded with a superman I’ve never seen before. Alex was like a young Alfred Pennyworth. For various brief moments, I considered never walking again.

Be sweet and patient with those helping you out. 

2. It’s a real act of courage to be vulnerable. Now, normally I’m all about doing whatever we all can to avoid being pitiful. I try to take care of myself, handle my problems on my own whenever possible, and I don’t let myself be a pushover.

Sometimes, we simply are vulnerable. Not only could I not walk, my tendon was causing me a lot of pain so even if I was sitting still, I was grimacing or tearing up. For the first week, I tried doing everything myself and hopped around so much my good leg started feeling sore. I didn’t want my husband to help me or see me having a hard time because I didn’t want him to pity me. I told him this, and he reassured me that he didn’t pity me in an “ugh” way but in an “I love you, and I’m sorry you’re hurt” kind of way.

So, I tried to let go and be what I was–someone who couldn’t even put pants on. After all, if I was going to heal, I needed just to accept help and be ok with someone looking at me like “awww…”

I cried a bit over the helplessness I felt at everyone doing everything for me. But maybe I also cried because of how lovely it was to be taken care of in all those ways.

Accept help when you need it and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. 

3. Sometimes life makes us stop and smell the flowers because we’re too busy to remember they’re even there. I found myself looking out the window at the lovely trees and wishing I could take a stroll around the block. I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t taken the time out to enjoy Spring! How silly of me!

I’ve made a list of things I want to do, like plant some stuff in the garden, as soon as I am able. It’s funny how we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone.

In the meantime, I’ve embraced what I can do now, so I’ve been watching movies that Alex enjoys (he deserves it) and reading books and sleeping more. I cleaned out my closet while on crutches by throwing clothes I don’t wear on the bed to fold once I was sitting and then putting them in a bag for donation. I’ve also been able to catch up with my parents and brother and sister who have come over to help me.

Do what you can, today, because tomorrow you may not be able to.

4. I’ve also surprised myself by missing chores like cleaning the floor, cooking, and washing dishes. Not because I particularly enjoy these tasks, but because doing these things keeps the house nice and tidy and they are acts of love for oneself and one’s family.

I watched my family doing these things, and I felt the love. And so I thought, “Is this what Alex and the kids feel when they see me doing all these things?” This felt like an epiphany, and I vowed to never complain about cleaning and cooking again but be glad I have the privilege to do it and the loved ones for whom to do it.

Work isn’t a drag, it’s an honor.

I try to go through hard times gracefully, and I think I manage ok, but always only after a rough start. The first week of my injury I woke up every single morning from a nightmare. I cried every single day. It seems silly now that my leg finally feels like it’s beginning to heal. I’ve been nervous because the earliest a specialist could see me was weeks away! What if I wasn’t doing the right things for my leg to heal properly?

But I think it’s going to be ok, and I believe I’m going to be better off because of this experience and what I’ve learned from it.

5 Ways My Husband Supports Me and My Diabetes

  1. I eat low-carb because coupled with proper use of insulin it’s an undeniable way to get out of the blood sugar roller coaster (aside from those days when I forget I have diabetes–it happens). My husband eats whatever low-carb food I prepare with zero objections because while I try to make great tasting food, the fact is that he understands I do better if I’m not alone in the way I eat at home.
  2. He jumps up to get glucose tablets when I need them. When someone does something for you with a controlled sense of urgency, don’t you feel loved? I mean, I’m not going to die from a 50 mg/dL blood sugar level if he doesn’t swiftly get my glucose for me but I like that he moves quickly to get what I need. Nothing says “I love you” like showing someone you want to shorten their discomfort by a few seconds if you can, by acting quickly.
  3. He lets me have a pity party but he does not participate in it. I really appreciate that on the days I am wallowing over my diabetes, my husband respects that and is a shoulder to cry on. I also appreciate that he doesn’t join me, though. I like that when I see things through considerably foggy lens for a time, he is still seeing clearly. He doesn’t get all sad and pitiful with me because he sees that in objective terms, I’m alright and will continue to be once I have my good cry or time to vent.
  4. He doesn’t lie to me. This is one of the most important ways he helps me with my diabetes–and everything else. If i’m fat, I don’t dare ask my hubby if I’m fat because he’s going to look at me like, “why are you asking me a question you know the answer to?” To his credit he’ll say “you’re beautiful and I love you” (cuz that is what I was fishing for all along!) but to tell me i’m not fat, if I am? Nope, he does not support me having any delusions. He also wouldn’t pretend a 200 mg/dL blood sugar level is fine for me to have all the time and he also wouldn’t let me believe that me having ice cream each evening isn’t a problem involving a lack of self-control when it fundamentally is (speaking for myself here). As a result, I have a partner who wants the best for me and that is something we all deserve.
  5. My husband takes care of himself. In doing so he inspires and leads me to do the same. When someone who respects themselves loves you, you can’t help but want to respect yourself, too. Then when they’re having a weak moment, you can help lift them up as they’ve done for you. I hope I do that for him sometimes.

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