Tag Archives: living life with diabetes

Being Bad

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Some people are perfectionists.  I have a little of that.  As a result, I beat myself in the head with thoughts having to do with self improvement and practice makes perfect and try again until it’s right and so on.

Because of this tendency I find that I can easily go to extremes.  About losing weight, I have a hard time keeping reasonable thinking like, “I want to lose 5 pounds.”  Instead it’s “I want to be thin like I was at age 10”.  Or instead of thinking “I need to eat more vegetables” I may think, “I’m going to eat nothing but vegetables from now on until the end of time”.

I don’t actually stick to those extremes thank goodness, but it’s a nagging tendency that isn’t healthy and certainly not comfortable.

Something I learned at IIN, where I graduated recently, was to sometimes “be bad”.  Not go-to-jail bad, but stop-striving-for-unobtainable-perfection bad.

So I’ve found that when I get wrapped up in thinking that I will never eat another bite of anything unhealthy again, I plan for a night with a little ice cream.

Or recently, I got myself some clove cigars that I really like and have one when I’m feeling like all the “right” choices are kind of stifling me with boredom.

It’s hard to try to be “good” or “compliant” all the time and with pretty well managed diabetes, that’s what it feels like.  I mean, I give insulin to bring down a 130.  To me, that kind of control is worth it, I truly believe so, but to balance all that I sometimes sleep in my makeup, smoke the occasional cigar, skip a shower, or read the Fifty Shades Trilogy (yes, I read that marvelous piece of literary crap.  In three days.  My world stopped for a week.  Don’t worry about me I’ve recovered.  Team Matt Bomer!).

Being “bad” reminds me to chill.  It also makes me realize that if my idea of being bad is sleeping in my makeup, then I think I’m going to be ok.

What about you?  What do you do to be bad?

Brutal Honesty

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It’s called “brutal” for a reason.  Everyone knows that using it with someone can seriously backfire.  What about using it with ourselves?  More often, we don’t even “go there” because we know it won’t be pretty.

In evaluating my life and pinpointing areas for improvement I’ve realized the road to my goals is initially and largely through this kind of honesty.  We’ve all met someone whom we thought lied to themselves.  Have we ever caught ourselves lying to ourselves?  I have.  It feels a little soul crushing.  And yet, when I got through the harsh wind and rain part, I eventually got to a place of clarity and forgiveness.  The forgiveness part is important because of the way we inflict damage and destruction on ourselves when we feel guilty about something.  The clarity part is important because it’s uplifting and energizing.  Like a child who finally understands her school assignment and enthusiastically gets to work with energy and vigor.  Or what happened to me after years of wanting to write about diabetes only finally doing so when my twins were born, leaving me with the conclusion that having healthy children (challenging as it was) meant my diabetes wasn’t preventing me from writing, simply, I was.  It’s never fun to find out that we are our own worst enemy and that we are mostly in our own way-not someone else.

Some things I’ve been brutally honest with myself about in the past:

“I don’t have time to clean”  Correction:  “I do have time and can make time, I just really hate cleaning!  There! I said it!”

“I don’t feel well enough to exercise”  Correction:  “I don’t feel 100% but I do feel well enough to exercise, not to mention, the more I exercise, the better I feel!”

“I need more money”  Correction:  “I NEED shelter, food, and water and I have plenty of each.”

“I can’t afford healthy food”  Correction:  “I can afford healthy food if I don’t overeat, don’t buy unnecessary items, and don’t waste food.  Bottom line?  It’s hard to do all this, but the I can’t afford it is an excuse.”

“This person made me feel bad by what they said”  Correction:  “This person didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t allow.  I reacted to what they said and have some feelings I need to sort out.”

In the end I can whine about hating to clean, not feeling 100%, getting my feelings hurt, and wanting more money.  Or, I can stay healthy by cleaning, exercising, and eating well which will help keep me strong and confident in myself while I work on finding a way to make more money so that a full savings account eases fears and adds comfort.  I can’t do the latter without the former.

It’s often about recognizing that we are responsible for everything in our lives.  You didn’t choose to have diabetes but you do choose how you handle it.  You didn’t choose to grow up without a lot of money, but you have the power to change how much money you have now.  You didn’t choose to be sensitive to carbs and gain weight easily, but if that’s a reality, (and it seems to be for me) then you have the power to eat less carbs or at least only quality carbs and therefore manage your weight the way your body requires it.  Even if that seems unfair because you eat differently than others.

Life is unfair but in the end, I think it is fair because everyone has to deal with the reality of their situation and their hand in it.  Being brutally honest allows us to recognize our own power and use it rather than be oppressed by an invisible cloak of our own imagination.  Brutal honesty is brutal but what is even more so is a life lived at the mercy of what we think the world is doing to us or keeping from us.  For those of us fortunate enough to live in a country where we aren’t terrorized and utterly mistreated, lies even more personal responsibility.  More responsibility is a good thing.  This means we have more power to make our lives what we want them to be.  Instead of brutal, we should see this kind of honesty as liberating.  What do you think?

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