So we’re continuing the “Sysy Freak Show”! (I’m trying to laugh as much as I can, forgive me)
My doctor prescribed me something for my anxiety, just to get me back on my feet while I continue to treat my anxiety via healthy lifestyle habits. Why after so many years of au naturel treatments have I succumbed to medication? Because right now I think I need a little boost. I don’t necessarily love sharing this info but I feel like I need to be honest with you all, all the time. I don’t know most of you out there but I know you’re out there…
My whole life I’ve needed a chill pill. Only now it’s really affecting my health. Lately, I get really anxious when I have to go out in public. Even when I’m excited and happy about something I feel too overwhelmed, like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and I have trouble taking a deep breathe. I can sleep 10 hours a day if you let me and I have a really hard time getting out of bed. And my thoughts go to dark places. For example, I will randomly imagine the worst case scenario for everything imaginable and my thoughts will keep unfolding worse and worse events. I did that 10 years ago when I was at my lowest. I conquered those thoughts before and I am working on doing it again.
I think my current place in life is sort of fueling these feelings.
Alex is gone 12 hours a day, 6 days a week for work. Besides my natural inclination to anxiety, having twin two year olds is pretty stressful. I have to take them out by myself a few times a week and it’s hard to keep my insides from turning because they like to run into the road and in separate directions and so I physically task myself holding them so they don’t go running out in front of a car. And in those moments I’m not without worry because I fear a low blood sugar. I know I shouldn’t worry that one of them will get hit by a car or choke to death on something but the reality is that Henri has scared me by getting away from me in the parking lot and hello? People don’t drive slowly in parking lots near kids anymore and he has run right in front of a car, almost giving me a heart attack. Henri (why is it always him?) has also choked on a glucose tablet that I accidentally dropped while low and I had to totally pound his little back with my hand to pop it out as he turned blue. Aurora has peanut and egg allergies and the peanut one is classified as severe. So everywhere we go I’m obsessing over what she is touching and wiping her tiny hands clean because even though it’s annoying to live this way, I WILL NOT let anything happen to her. Or her brother. But these moments of life and death or medical strife are driving me nuts. This tough time won’t last forever but while it’s here, I’m really on edge.
Something that has made a great negative impact on me is I’ve started reading the news again. I had stopped completely because let’s face it, I’m not really going to do anything about all those small crimes out there and when it comes to the big news, friends and family will be talking about it, so there is no need to feed my very sensitive self all the cruel and sad news of the world each day. I can stay properly informed without reading everything.
You know what? As soon as I started the medicine my mysterious nausea and body aches disappeared and now I’m wondering if that was all related to anxiety/depression. I thought that was interesting to note.
So anyway here’s the plan: (because I don’t want the side effects of this anxiety medicine, forever, though it is excellent birth control)
-Give back and be grateful
Anything else I should do that might help? Suggestions are welcome!
Oh and if YOU are dealing with anything similar, do try and get help, there is no shame in it. Just work your way back, you, um, we can do it :)